WASHINGTON, DC — The United States Supreme Court unanimously upheld the constitutionality of the Affordable Care Act today, ruling from the bench after an impassioned defense of the law by President Obama himself, according to a report on an oral argument regarding the ACA that was much more exciting than the one that actually occurred.
The ruling followed a tour de force argument presented by Obama in what commentators describe as a first: a sitting president defending the constitutionality of a law he signed. According to observers, Obama stormed into the courtroom just as Chief Justice John Roberts was about to strike his gavel on his sound block, the universal signal that a law has been found unconstitutional. After he strode to the podium, Obama pointed and stared at the Chief Justice as he said, “Keep your dirty hands off my health-care law, your honor.”
Obama then launched into a thorough yet remarkably brief analysis of the constitutionality of the measure. At the conclusion of this presentation, in which Obama variously and without interruption quoted Cicero, Montaigne, Daniel Webster, Bob Seger, and Chuck Noll, the courtroom fell to complete silence for almost a minute. At that point, Justice Antonin Scalia led the other eight justices in somberly rising to his feet and breaking into applause.
There also were unconfirmed reports that Justice Scalia, the ACA’s chief antagonist during prior oral argument, interrupted his clapping only to take off his glasses, wipe away a tear, and mouth to himself, “Now, I believe.” Justice Clarence Thomas, meanwhile, was heard to shout out to Obama, “I never ask questions, but I’ll ask one now: How can one man be so eloquent?”
After several minutes of applause, Chief Justice Roberts turned to the other justices, all of whom nodded solemnly to him. Roberts then pounded his gavel, only this time in the good sort of way, and cried out, “Case dismissed!”
At that point, a riotous cheer broke out from the gallery. Solicitor General Donald Verrilli Jr. and spectator Gene Proofroth, a simple but hardworking farmworker from Broken Bow, Nebraska, whom the ACA will provide with life-saving health care and who had used the final $43.78 in his bank account to pay for the 2,000-mile bus ride to Washington, D.C., hoisted Obama onto their shoulders.
Surveying the jubilant crowd from his perch, Obama nodded and shouted out, “We did it! Yes we can!” The crowd responded with cheers of “Yes we can! Yes we can!,” leading Obama to clench his jaw and nod as the scene seemed to slow down and shift to soft-focus.
Paul Clement, who argued the case against the ACA, was seen shaking his head as the Court announced its ruling. After watching the ensuing celebration, however, Clement himself broke into a broad smile and eventually was seen outside the courtroom giving President Obama a sincere, hand-and-elbow handshake and hug.
Speaking to reporters afterwards, Obama explained the circumstances that led to his unprecedented appearance before the Court. The President related that at noon yesterday, he was told by advisors that oral argument on the ACA had, to that point, gone poorly for the administration. Obama said he then immediately registered for an expedited administration of the District of Columbia bar examination, studied for the test, passed it, and then was admitted pro hac vice to the Supreme Court bar — all by 9:00 a.m. today.
“The only hard part about the exam was avoiding the team of hired assassins that the health-care lobby sent to kill me, once they learned of my plan,” Obama said. ”That, and community property.”
Legal commentators agree that the President’s victory means that no one will ever, ever get sick again. “Not even a little,” said noted legal expert Kyle Graham, an assistant professor at the Santa Clara University School of Law who bears a striking resemblance to circa-1939 Cary Grant.