The Non Curat Lex Home Quiz for Law Professor Narcissistic Delusion

  1. For each time in the last month that you have Googled your name, add two points.
  2. For each time in the past six months that you have Googled the title of one of your articles, add three points.
  3. For each time in the last year that you have Googled your name together with “law,” “law professor,” or “article,” add five points.
  4. For each time in the last year that you have Googled your name together with “law,” “law professor,” or “article,” and either “brilliant,” “insightful,” or “revolutionary,” add twelve points.
  5. For each time in the last year that you have Googled your name together with “Harvard Law Review,” just in case one of your articles was published there without you knowing it, add fifteen points.
  6. For each time in the last month that you have checked your SSRN downloads, add one point.
  7. For each time in the last month that you have checked your SSRN downloads twice in one day, add five points.
  8. For each time in the last year that you have called the founder of SSRN at home at 11:00 p.m. to make absolutely sure that there isn’t something wrong with your SSRN page, because it doesn’t seem to be showing any new downloads of your articles, add twenty-five points.
  9. For each time over the past six months that you have gone onto the Westlaw Journals and Law Reviews database to see if there are any new citations to your articles, add five points.
  10. For each time over the past year that you have contacted the authors of other, related pieces you found on JLR that didn’t cite to your work, and suggested to them maybe they should have included a citation to your article, add ten points.
  11. For each time you accompanied these messages with a print copy of the author’s work, in which you highlighted the passage that should have cited to your article, with an angry face drawn in the margin, add twenty points.
  12. For each time over the past year that you have posted a link to one of your articles on Facebook, add three points.
  13. For each time you checked that Facebook post to see if anyone “liked” it, add five points. 
  14. For each time you responded to a dearth of “likes” by “liking” the post yourself, add twelve points.
  15. For each time over the past year that you have assigned one of your articles in a class you teach, add two points.
  16. For each time over the past year that you have assigned one of your articles for the social book club in which you participate, add four points.
  17. For each time over the past year that you have assigned one of your articles for the Jane Austen social book club in which you participate, add twelve points.
  18. For each time over the past year that you have visualized a call from an editor of the Harvard Law Review, accepting your most recent submission, add five points.
  19. For each time over the past year that you have visualized a call from an editor of the Harvard Law Review, accepting your most recent submission, when you in fact did not write or submit anything to them, add fifteen points.
  20. For each time over the past year you have self-published, in your basement, a law journal that you titled the Harvarrd Laws Review, in which your most recent piece is the lead article, add thirty points.

Results:

0-20: obviously not a law professor, or already tenured

21-40: cultivating a healthy set of neuroses

41+: clearly an up-and-comer / rising star

 

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